Staying on Track

Wednesday, December 29, 2010 - Staying on Track

Guidance is a hug part of the journey I have been on the last two years through separation and divorce. So many special people helped me stay on track through the highs and lows along the way. I am so grateful for the friends who stood beside me – walking with me by listening, advising, holding me up, and helping turn all the tears into strength. I am so blessed by family who gave their love, prayers, and support – they were rocks I could cling to when I was swaying. The path of life I left behind was going downhill in alcoholism, debt, distrust, depression and despair.

God guided me, filled my soul and kept my face toward the sun on the new path, which gave me the strength to keep walking uphill. The sunshine along my path was, still is, and will always be – my three sons. My most important role in life is still the same – Mother. I truly feel it is the greatest gift I have been given. It is what I always wanted but I didn’t expect the huge detour that led to me to losing my husband. But as many have told me, I was already doing most of it on my own as far as raising our sons. That is what my ex could never see…all I wanted was for us to be his priority. But now, my former husband and I are working together on some parenting since the divorce– even more so than when married. I hope it shows our sons that I can work through anything as long as it is for them. One of my friends said she doesn’t know many people who can spend the day with their ex-spouse. I am glad I am not that kind of person. I think it helps the kids understand the path I chose because I am getting back to the person I used to be.

The peace I continue to gain in my heart assures me to keep walking straight. By keeping my faith in God while walking, I know am on the right track. With this, I can keep believing in myself and my choices and providing guidance to those following along – my three sons. Despite watching their parents head down different paths, I pray that I am helping them see that I couldn’t be the person on that other path any longer…I had lost myself and what it takes to be a good Mom. But now the path is clear, it is widening, and I am gaining speed and still moving uphill. Who knows what detours are ahead or even unexpected turns? But as long as I know who my Guide is I believe I will stay on track.

“The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs.” Isaiah 58:11

The Promise

Sunday, December 19 2010
Come Live Within The Promise
The title above was the sermon today at church on the last Sunday of Advent. I had been searching for something to prompt my next writing piece. God speaks to me so openly sometimes. The minister spoke of the four Sundays of Advent as we have prepared for Christmas: First – Come, Second – Live, Third – Within, Fourth – The Promise. Our Advent theme has been “Gather Us In.” I look forward to doing that with family this week…gathering. It is something I look forward to every year at Christmas and because I am beginning to heal from my divorce, I feel I can enjoy the holiday better than the last two Christmases past. In addition to preparing for Christ’s birth, I have been “gathering” gifts for more than just my kids this year. They aren’t gifts of big monetary value but they are gifts from my heart and I am glad I had energy to do it this year, unlike the last two. I enjoy giving and want others to know how much I appreciate them – it’s the way I want to LIVE my life.

I have always felt close to God but I truly believe He invited me to COME two years ago when I knew I had to do something to save myself and my family. I feel He has let me come to Him and He has taught me so much. He knew I had to find a new way to LIVE. There are still complications from my broken marriage and often frustration for the boys and me because of it, but for the most part, I have found a healthy way to live again and that is worth its weight in gold. To live within the promise of God, how grand! I honestly don’t know how people can live any other way and I have such peace knowing I will never have to do so.

Today brings us to “The promise” – the last Sunday of preparation before “Christ is Born” or Christmas. The minister referenced one definition of promise as “a reason to expect something.” Expectations are a hard thing for me to work through sometimes, especially related to alcoholism. During the separation and divorce, I was counseled to not have any (expectations) where my former husband is concerned because it only brings disappointment. I often felt cheated by this idea and it seemed so unreasonable. Maybe that is why I like today’s definition of the promise so much, because it makes sense to me. I want to be a loving, giving person, but in order for me to be fulfilled, don’t I have a reason to expect something in return? Shouldn’t we all live with expectations or that hope in our hearts? The promise helps us do so.

I am so grateful to be “gathered in” this Christmas. I Come to Live Within The Promise. I look forward to celebrating the birth of Jesus and the Christmas Eve service with my beautiful family. I will savor the glow of the candles on each of their faces as we sing Silent Night in the end and I will probably shed a tear. However, this year a tear or two won’t be so full of worry and despair, but more so full of life and from living the promise within.

“And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” --Philippians 4:7

Love is Patient and Kind

December 5, 2010 - I watched a family in church today with envy. It is something I always wanted but never had – my family in church together often. For all of us to attend together, it had to be a special occasion or holiday. I watched the father/husband of this particular family today, stand up and let his entire family go first ahead of him for Communion. I thought about how symbolic that was … to put your family first. Love is patient and kind. I remember the verse from 1st Corinthians being read in my wedding long ago. But then I also remember the last Christmas Eve service before my husband and I separated and later divorced. He walked in to join us at church and didn’t even come sit by HIS own family but instead he attended HIS way by sitting next to my brother-in-law at the opposite end of the pew. I am not resentful now but I was at the time as I was so unhappy with the way we were living.

But by now, two years later, I realize how much facing the truth by dealing with all the problems and finding solutions was my way to build a new way of life, a way to rejoice. I had to get back to happiness within myself and there was no way to do so living as that split family under the same roof. As a married couple, we were irritable because we weren’t sharing a marriage or our family at home, let alone together in church. Once that unhappiness started to affect our kids, I knew I had to step up to the reality, I had to hope and believe in what I set out to do next, as hard as it was to do so. My sons and I represented the family and the dad/father of our home walked the other way and chose HIS way of life so many times. It isn’t that it was always wrong doing, or then again, is it? When you marry, shouldn’t it be about that patient and kind love of ALL things…bearing, believing, hoping, and enduring? But it takes two people to share that way of life in a happy marriage. My patience had worn out due to the effects of his alcoholism.

There were still small acts of kindness and even love, but it was no longer enough. One of my biggest hopes in bringing me and our family home to happiness again is that I am teaching my sons that love, marriage, and family is about tranquility and a sense of togetherness. I hope they are learning that you have to give of yourself in a relationship to get something in return. I hope that our time in church together, and even more so the faith I have brought to our family, helps them become young men who will be like that husband and father in church today, putting family first.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Treasures of My Heart

The holidays are upon us and I find myself decorating in a different place after 21 years of marriage including 14 of those years in the same family home. What’s missing? Well, physically quite a lot: First and foremost, the husband and father I had planned to share my life with; The front window where our tree would be placed every year; The cozy family room and fireplace where we would roast marsh mellows after Christmas Eve service; The rooms in which I rocked my two youngest babies, where I nurtured all three of the boys, hosted birthday parties and family gatherings; The kitchen with windows to the yard where our sons would run, jump and play, yes, where they grew up! The place our family lived and created memories and where I dreamed of happily ever after with my husband and three sons. The special areas within our home where I thanked God for all my blessings but in the later years where I prayed for guidance in all the heartache I was facing in my marriage and our lives. What’s missing? That place we as a family called HOME. Recently my college age son said he felt “displaced” since our summer move and I told him I was sorry but that I understood. I told him I hoped that he knew that “home” for him would always be “wherever I was” and he said he knew it would. What is that saying? ”Home is where the heart is.” I am comfortable with the home the boys and I have transitioned to since the divorce and it has made life more much more manageable. But, I also know that HOME was a huge piece of each of us and we had to let it go. So there is justification for the way we may be feeling or for what is missing during this first holiday season in a different place. I keep pulling out more and more decorations, trying to find to find a place for everything special, but it won’t all fit. Tears stream as I realize some will have to stay tucked away, like those memories I will never forget. But the tears aren’t really about there not being enough room for things, they are about what I miss, what I wanted for my family, and the love I long for again one day. So I tell myself to remember that everything I miss isn’t gone, it is just tucked away in little pieces of my heart, where I keep all my treasures. Home IS wherever your heart IS, it’s about what is around you or who. I can always keep those treasures and memories near my heart.
“For where your treasure is, there will be your heart also.” Matthew 6:21

My Sons - My Blessings

WRITTEN 11-7-2010 BUT NOT POSTED TIL TODAY 11-14-2010 (Busy week!)
I had an incredible weekend as a Mother and it made me feel some wholeness again, maybe even assurance that all I/we as a broken family of divorce went through was finally beginning to show some positives. The whole weekend was with my sons. I treasured the one-on-one with my youngest and his sincerity and wonder of life melted me. I also enjoyed so much the grin on his face when beating me in a card game! It was my middle son's 15th birthday and I have watched with pride his maturity and growth into a young man these past two difficult years. On our return home, he drove the entire 90-mile trip with ease and responsibility and I had to think praise for I am the one that helped him reach this milestone. There was nothing but joy in visiting my oldest at college over the weekend and seeing the success of him thriving in his new phase of life, yet deeply enjoying our family time together, and even his love for his girlfriend. Watching the brothers wrestle, tease one another, all of us happy and sharing, it was priceless. So before my head hit the pillow Sunday night, I wondered...has it begun? My return to wholeness? Are my sons the continued keys in this blessed life of mine? I end the night in prayer thanking God for my blessings and for all He has done to help me through the emptiness and for the beauty of the return to wholeness.

"I know well the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare, not for woe, plans to give you a future full of hope." Jeremiah 29:11

WHOLENESS

I had my physical yesterday and physically I am fine but my doctor could see that I still needed something emotionally so back to counseling I go. I know he is right and appreciated his insight. I have come so far since the first day I went to him for help with depression & anxiety from the separation from my husband about 18 months ago/final divorce in 6 months ago. I confessed my few "down" weekends to him I've had this fall. He said you made it through a very difficult time admirably but you still have to get back to being a whole person and enjoy some happiness rather than sadness. I thought about that and remembered a lesson in my Bible study [Breaking Free by Beth Moore] ..."Healing begins when we recognize how vulnerable those empty places make us, tally the cost of filling them with useless things, and seek wholeness in Christ alone. Wholeness in Christ is that state of being when every hole has been filled by Christ. The damage cannot be undone. It must be healed. The holes can't be taken away, but they can be filled. As you look at satisfaction in Christ, our goal is to see satisfaction at its greatest beauty. We want to see a picture of a satisfied person fully displaying God's splendor."

ISAIAH 58 paints the portrait perfectly...
Isaiah 58:6-12 (The Message)

6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'
A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places
9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.

I don't think I have come close to being as low as these verses portray, but the analogies are similar. I was in a dark place in my marriage and emotionally full of holes. Through the toughest of times in the last two years, God poured his love into those holes to bring me up far enough to accept faith, family & friends to help me get through the phases I had to face. So today I can be proud that the holes are at least half full...I am building a new life for me and continue to enjoy my greatest gift...motherhood. By selling the house and paying debts, I have a more manageable life. Comfort beyond that is going to take time/patience, and continued strength. I have faith that my wholeness will return and I will find overall happiness again one day. The damage cannot be undone. It must be healed. The holes can't be taken away, but they can be filled.

Come to me...

Quoted Devotion From My Utmost to His Highest
Coming to Jesus
Oct 08 2010
Come to Me . . . Matthew 11:28-30 — "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Isn’t it humiliating to be told that we must come to Jesus! Think of the things about which we will not come to Jesus Christ. If you want to know how real you are, test yourself by these words— “Come to Me . . . .” In every dimension in which you are not real, you will argue or evade the issue altogether rather than come; you will go through sorrow rather than come; and you will do anything rather than come the last lap of the race of seemingly unspeakable foolishness and say, “Just as I am, I come.” As long as you have even the least bit of spiritual disrespect, it will always reveal itself in the fact that you are expecting God to tell you to do something very big, and yet all He is telling you to do is to “Come . . . .”
“Come to Me . . . .” When you hear those words, you will know that something must happen in you before you can come. The Holy Spirit will show you what you have to do, and it will involve anything that will uproot whatever is preventing you from getting through to Jesus. And you will never get any further until you are willing to do that very thing. The Holy Spirit will search out that one immovable stronghold within you, but He cannot budge it unless you are willing to let Him do so.
How often have you come to God with your requests and gone away thinking, “I’ve really received what I wanted this time!” And yet you go away with nothing, while all the time God has stood with His hands outstretched not only to take you but also for you to take Him. Just think of the invincible, unconquerable, and untiring patience of Jesus, who lovingly says, “Come to Me. . . .”
____________________________________________________________________________________

When I read this devotional today, all I could think about were the people in my life that I have been praying for to “Come to Jesus,” wishing they had the courage to “cross the line,” or just accept Him/Jesus and the rest would follow. It sounds simple, but I know addiction is powerful and it can have a hold on a person for years or even a lifetime, I have seen it first hand. I wanted to share it with them but would it just be like all the other messages I have passed on to them? Note the sentence that talks about something YOU have to do, NOT us, but that person, has to UPROOT whatever is preventing them from getting to HIM.

I think that is one of the hardest things for all of us, the family members or friends of the alcoholic to understand, how can it be more important than a marriage, family, friendship or faith? How can the alcoholic want the disease to hold them when people who love them are willing to do so and God has his arms outstretched waiting for them to Come? I look at it as the addiction having a hold on the person and they can’t break free to find what is in them or reality or Jesus until they totally accept Him and the power of what He can do. They want to keep evading, staying sad, live the unmanageable life because that is easier and less painful. It may be less painful for the them but not for us, the ones that watch them let it destroy so much. Why can’t they see, that is the beauty of our Lord, He is ready for us to come any time.

There is no way I would have ever made it through my life without coming to Him and resting in His strong arms from time to time, especially these past two years. My Bible study this past year described those who want this from God, clinging to His legs like our kids did when they were young…my friend and me as mothers loved this! God is there waiting to pull us in whether we take a simple step forward or we grab hold of Him and cling tightly. The hard part is that movement to do so, simply…Come to Him.

My eyes welled with tears at the beautiful thought of God with his hands outstretched to take in my brother, the father of my children, my dad, or friends with the disease. I think they have all felt God’s presence or his arms reaching out to them and many of them have taken a step or two toward Him but I continue to pray that one day they simply Come.

Strength & Weakness

My big STRONG oldest son turns 19 this month and it makes me think of my strengths and weaknesses of his birthdays past. One year ago I was in the middle of a separation and divorce. I was weak and struggling to find strength to take care of all I had on my plate, not to mention weak from the worry and uncertainty of the future. Two years ago, it was this same birthday that I decided to trust the GRACE of GOD and take a stand in my marriage. I was weak and scared but found the strength in this passage from Daily Word. I AM UPHELD & STRENGTHENED BY THE GRACE OF GOD THROUGHOUT TIMES OF DEALING WITH BOTH EVERYDAY MATTERS & MAJOR DIFFICULTIES. I RISE UP & MOVE FORWARD, SUPPORTED FULLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD."

The timing of the changes in our family life were in part due to my own sons and their strengths. The youngest with his realism on how little time his dad spent at home, the middle with his quiet understanding of the bigger picture-where the time away was spent, and the the oldest with his maturity in helping me realize how truly weak I had become. I can now reflect and see what weakened me...alcoholism in my marriage and our home. I can see that the GRACE of GOD was supporting me, that weakness turned to strength because of my amazing sons and all the family & friends who also supported us in numerous ways. So yes once again, GRATITUDE!

There was a reason God put these BIG STRONG young men in my life. My weakness made me receptive to feed on their strengths. From Daily Word ... RECEPTIVE...I OPEN MY HEART TO THE LOVE OF GOD.  MY HEART IS A SANCTUARY OF GOD'S LOVE, A PLACE OF PEACE AND STRENGTH I CAN ENTER AT ANY TIME.  I GO WITHIN, AND I RELEASE THOUGHTS THAT MIGHT BE TROUBLING ME, I ALLOW THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF GOD TO FILL, RENEW, AND GUIDE ME."MY HEART EXULTS IN THE LORD; MY STRENGTH IS EXALTED IN MY GOD.1 SAMUEL 2:1 9 (Note which book of the Bible!)

I LOVE FALL!

10-2-10
Today I took a walk in our neighborhood and thought about how much I love FALL...I saw kids playing outside in Halloween costumes, couples working in their yards together, dogs enjoying walks with their owners. It made me miss my little boys, our dog, my family home and our yard full of trees and fallen leaves, and of course the family we used to be. But maybe GOD created seasons to help us adapt to change. Change is part of life, children grow, relationships end, but a a season always brings us something new.

GRACE is defined in Scripture as something that teaches us how to live! I thought about that as I shared an evening with a new group of parents hosting a pre-dance picture session and driving their freshmen to the Homecoming dance. The change of season is like a stage of life...one son completed high school, now the next son begins and with that comes newness once again.

I may have physically lost a house and yard and even piles of leaves, but I still have my family, just a changed form of it. I can always have GRATITUDE for that and the time with other parents wanting to do the same as me...teach our children GRACE or how to live!


To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
  A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
  A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
  A time to rend, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

God * Grace * Gratitude

Personal blog of Cindy S. (3cysonsmom@gmail.com)

I have been feeling like I need something else to help me continue to heal from all the changes in my life. I have wanted to write more. Someone at work gave me this cute little note pad with the words above “God * Grace * Gratitude” and it has inspired me to start my own blog based on those three things. A friend of mine has a BLOG and her writing is amazing. Here goes…

10-1-10

GOD has always been in my life. But the past two years have given me assurance in my faith in Him and His guidance back has been amazing. I continue to pray that others find what I have, it truly is a GIFT.

GRACE is also a GIFT. I want to lead a life filled with it and teach my kids to do the same. I want live in reality to be truthful and sincere. Reality can be difficult, but I truly feel facing it has brought me GRACE.

GRATITUDE is bulging out of my heart to many family and friends who have and continue to help me cope, heal and manage all the changes in our lives. The generosity shown to my sons and me has been another incredible GIFT. With GRATITUDE for my three amazing sons and all we share, I am able to keep moving forward.

"The GRACE of God blesses and fulfills me." Daily Word 
"Know that I am with you and will keep you wherever you go.-Genesis 28:15